The Bridegroom

Had she lost him?

Was he gone now?

Was the perfect soul released?

Did God take him,

And remake him,

Was his promise to her ceased?

The perfect soul consecrated for only she.
Their contract now abolished no longer was it to be.

She was told to be patient and wait for her betrothed,

But with the fear of the unknown her heart became loath.

Now her bridegroom's arrived,

And she's been caught off guard.

Life for her has been so weary,

For her, life has been so hard.

As she goes to grab her lamp now,

No trace of light from it doth shine,

And she with no more oil,

Unworthy, has been turned into swine.

All pearls have been taken from her,

All her hope has been cast aside,

And the Bridegroom claims he does not know her,

No more of her will he abide.

The door has been shut,

It will not open,

Shame runs down her tearstained face,

The sorrow inside her is unsurmountable,

She is alone for all time and space.

An Apology to the Ones I Love

Isn't life suppose to be full of happiness with only brief moments of sadness? It seems just the opposite for me. Lately I go back and forth with how I feel inside. Sometimes I truly feel I've gone mad and I wonder who I can turn to for sanity and peace. Sometimes when I view the success of my loved ones, I am proud of them and their accomplishments, but then I find myself viewing myself as a failure at life.

Sally Owens (Practical Magic) says what I feel best:

"Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me. An emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean...

I have this dream of being whole, not going to sleep each night wanting...

I just want to be loved; I want to be seen."

I have never been one who looks back and says "I wonder what could have been", but lately I do find myself wondering, what if I had lived my life differently...made some different choices...what would my life be like today? Would I have been happier? Better off? More successful? I'll never know, cause I can't rewind time. I wont know what might have been.

I made a mistake, and my pride has kept me from saying this sooner. I apologize to my family for writing to them in a moment of anger. I am sorry for saying what I said. The love and respect I hold for you all is immeasurable. I expected words of anger back, but instead you showered me with love. I am so sorry. Please forgive me for what I said.

I have so many emotions running through me as of late, and sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out. Sometimes I feel so alone.

I wrote a poem not to long ago expressing how I was feeling in that moment, I believe in April, it is still untitled, but here it is:

Untitled

Blackness drips like rain.
A white pallet soaks it in.
Silver to the touch, the cold, shiny steel.
Tracing with a delicate finger, sliding smoothly near the blade.
A single tear hits the surface distorting the image reflecting back.

Cold to the touch the white porcelain face,
The blackest, fullest lashes seal the tear stained eyes.
Red lips that once held laughter now motionless, and content.
The blackness engulfs the picturesque maiden.

Dawn breaks with a breeze that carries the reddest of blossoms.
They dance in the wind, free of worry, full of life.
The songbird sings a still sweet sound, conducted by the tall thick cattails.

The willow tree that gives her cover soothes her cool still face.
Its lazy branches keep rhythm to the orchestra of the fields, brushing her pallid cheek.
There is a stillness in the air, which one does not oft notice.
A reverence held only by nature.

A single rose lay near the knife, red beauty kissed with dew,
The wind picks up just one last time,
Taking the pain, taking the hurt, taking the worry.
A smile is born up in the sky, in clouds, in air, in wind.

No more will the salt sting her soft warm face,
No longer the torment to keep her down,
Never again will the pain claim her heart.

She smiles down on the beauty of life,
She contemplates her freedom,
She sings along with the songbird's song,
Forever dancing to its rhythm.

Here is another Poem I wrote back in March:

Glass Doll

Loneliness fills my heart as your distant eyes brush my way,
An emptiness swims inside of me.
Your touch is cold and insincere,
Though you sit near, you've never been so far.
A tear falls down my cheek as I long for your warmth.
I am locked in a box and you hold the key,
I am a doll on display that never comes out to play.
Take me out and break me,
Bring me to life.
I long for you as I watch you leave,
I reach for you like a child to its gaurdian.
Once upon a time a strong budding love,
Is now wilting and weeps for revival.
You hold my heart in your hand,
As you walk from my sight.
My breath is fading,
My sight is lost.
Emptiness.
Loneliness
All is black.

This is just a way for me to express my feelings in those moments. I'm sorry that I wrote in a time when I should have been meditating and writing in my journal. I'm sorry that I took what I was feeling in a moment of passion and threw it all over you. I hope that in time you can forgive and forget. You are not expendable and I shouldn't have written what I did.
Please know that I love you all, and I don't want to burn bridges. I got some very good insight and advice from all of your comments and it helped me to put my feelings and my actions into perspective, and I wish now that I could take it back. All I can do is hope that you will forgive my harshness.

Camping Fiasco Part One

Ah, the great outdoors, my favorite place to be.

I decided that one of the things I wanted to do most this year was go camping.

Chris had a routine doctors appointment set on the 7th of August, in Eugene. We decided that after his appointment we would head east on highway 126 towards Bend to find a good camping spot. However, we didn't expect Chris's doctor visit to last for over 2 hours.

Since the Doctor appointment took most of our daylight, we hurried with our shopping trip, choosing only that nights worth of groceries and supplies.

I was getting pretty nervous because I knew we only had about 2 maybe 3 good hours of daylight left to find a prime camping spot.

We knew that there were tons of camping sites that you had to pay a fee to camp out that way, but we had high hopes that we would find a free site, since we didn't have any money.

We searched and searched finding sites that were just to rocky and that would not be enjoyable to camp in. We took the Blue River Reservoir Rd hoping we would find something soon. If we had to pay for a site it would have to be cheap, so we crossed our fingers.

When we found the perfect camping spot we were so excited. It was everything we had hoped for. A huge site nestled in the woods with a trail that led down to the river. It was so beautiful and quiet; it was absolutely perfect. We walked around scoping out our site and looking for a sign or something that would tell us how much it would cost us. We thought about $5, maybe $10 at the most.

Well, along comes Mr. ranger, and he approaches us like we are two delinquents trying to steal a free night of camping.

We approached him with big smiles, happy that we'd found such a cool place, and asked him how much it was and where we could pay.

He sternly replied, "You realize this is a double lot don't you?"

We shook our heads. Of course we didn't, it looked regular to me.

He proceeded to scowl and tell us that we would have to pay him $25 if we were planning on staying here.

We nodded and smiled at him and then exchanged looks of defeat with each other. We were crushed. This was not our spot.

As we packed up to move, we asked him how much it would be to camp in a smaller lot and where we would find them. He pointed up the road and told us we'd have to pay $14 a night, and we’d have to pay by morning if we were planning to stay past noon the next day.

We eagerlessly ventured toward the more affordable lots. Every lot available was extremely small and sandwiched between huge parties of people. The best lot had a big pile of dog poo at the entrance to greet us. This was not our idea of a camping trip.

A knot began building up in my throat as I felt the camping trip begin to fall apart; we were both getting very tired and feeling pretty defeated. Neither of us liked the idea of paying $14 to sleep in the wild, in the middle of a large and very loud party. Shouldn't camping be free? We are sleeping on the ground under the stars after all.

We dug in our car for every trace of change that we could, we found just enough to stay. As we sat tired and frustrated filling out the form to stay, I let Chris know that I REALLY did want to camp, but this wasn’t exactly what I had had in mind. For $14 we had better be happy with the location and this was just not the right place.

We agreed that we were done searching for a site, it had gotten way to dark, and the options were to either stay here or go home. The knot in my throat grew bigger, because I knew if we stayed we would not have a good time. We voted the camping trip over and we would just have to try again on a different day, with an early start. We once again packed up the car and began to leave the reservoir.

On the way out, we stopped to view the river and watch the moon rise. It was absolutely beautiful. Even though we weren't able to camp that night, at least we were able to explore a little bit of the beautiful Blue River Reservoir.


That was attempt number one, and by golly we tried again, but that is another story.

http://www.fs.fed.us/r6/willamette/recreation/camping/index.html

http://www.hoodoo.com/mona.htm