Failure

Have you ever had one of those moments that seem like your thoughts become louder than reality and you can't hear the person right in front of you?

Tonight as I celebrated my nephew's birthday a war began to rage in my head. It was a civil war.

Part of me kept thinking what a failure I am. How my dreams have not been met, how the life I planned had not come to pass. As my young nephews and nieces shared their future plans I realized that I haven't accomplished a thing.

The other part of me thought, well I got my associates degree, and I've had two beautiful children. But that is all.

As I sat there there I thought, sure I have an associates... A general education associates at a community college. Am I using it? No. To make my degree useful I would have to get my bachelor's degree in a specific field. And yes I'm a mom of two adorable children, but I even feel like I'm a failure at that too. I feel like I need to go to school to become a good mom and constantly find myself comparing myself to these super mom's that surround me.

Tonight the failure in my life seemed to wear me. I felt it wrapped around me, like big clunky chains that seemed to rattle whenever I moved.

I even felt like a failure as a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend. We sat in a circle sharing memories of my nephew and I couldn't think of one specific memory. I felt like an outsider all of a sudden. Where have I been? Where are all my memories? Is it that I just can't remember, or is it that I was never there sharing in the moments to even make those memories.

I feel like ten years of my life have been robbed by a stupid, selfish juvenile girl. I've lost friendships, I've lost trust, I've lost opportunities to spend time with my loved ones. Instead I was off pretending to be something that I'm not, all to be in a relationship that now after all this time seems to be unraveling to an end. And I'm realizing I lost myself, but not only that, I lost my time; among other things.

I dreamt of becoming a writer. I dreamt of having a big family to share my success with. My husband would be an equal partner and friend who would love spending time with family and friends. I dreamt of owning a house on a big property. And I have none of these things.

I have an associates from community college. I am a fulltime mom. I am currently separated from my husband, but because I don't have an income or anywhere else to go, still live under the same roof as him. I live in a trailer...yep, a trailer.

As I felt totally consumed by failure tonight I had to try and think of the positive. JK Rowling said "Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it."  Even though by the world's standards, the world that would now judge me to be a failure, she was a"failure", she rose above it and became the author of one of the most beloved and popular book series of our time.

What I have to remember is that my failures don't have to be who I am, but I can build on those failures to make successes. I can break my shackles of failure and self doubt. I can be proud of who I am and confident in myself and what I have to offer this world.

If I could give advice to the youth in my life, it would be to stand tall and confident. Believe in yourself and have self worth. Stand up for your beliefs and live those standards. "Don't give up what you want most for what you want right now". And if you ever do make mistakes and feel like a failure, remember it is never too late to follow your dreams and get back on your path to your idea of success and happiness.