An Apology to the Ones I Love

Isn't life suppose to be full of happiness with only brief moments of sadness? It seems just the opposite for me. Lately I go back and forth with how I feel inside. Sometimes I truly feel I've gone mad and I wonder who I can turn to for sanity and peace. Sometimes when I view the success of my loved ones, I am proud of them and their accomplishments, but then I find myself viewing myself as a failure at life.

Sally Owens (Practical Magic) says what I feel best:

"Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me. An emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean...

I have this dream of being whole, not going to sleep each night wanting...

I just want to be loved; I want to be seen."

I have never been one who looks back and says "I wonder what could have been", but lately I do find myself wondering, what if I had lived my life differently...made some different choices...what would my life be like today? Would I have been happier? Better off? More successful? I'll never know, cause I can't rewind time. I wont know what might have been.

I made a mistake, and my pride has kept me from saying this sooner. I apologize to my family for writing to them in a moment of anger. I am sorry for saying what I said. The love and respect I hold for you all is immeasurable. I expected words of anger back, but instead you showered me with love. I am so sorry. Please forgive me for what I said.

I have so many emotions running through me as of late, and sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out. Sometimes I feel so alone.

I wrote a poem not to long ago expressing how I was feeling in that moment, I believe in April, it is still untitled, but here it is:

Untitled

Blackness drips like rain.
A white pallet soaks it in.
Silver to the touch, the cold, shiny steel.
Tracing with a delicate finger, sliding smoothly near the blade.
A single tear hits the surface distorting the image reflecting back.

Cold to the touch the white porcelain face,
The blackest, fullest lashes seal the tear stained eyes.
Red lips that once held laughter now motionless, and content.
The blackness engulfs the picturesque maiden.

Dawn breaks with a breeze that carries the reddest of blossoms.
They dance in the wind, free of worry, full of life.
The songbird sings a still sweet sound, conducted by the tall thick cattails.

The willow tree that gives her cover soothes her cool still face.
Its lazy branches keep rhythm to the orchestra of the fields, brushing her pallid cheek.
There is a stillness in the air, which one does not oft notice.
A reverence held only by nature.

A single rose lay near the knife, red beauty kissed with dew,
The wind picks up just one last time,
Taking the pain, taking the hurt, taking the worry.
A smile is born up in the sky, in clouds, in air, in wind.

No more will the salt sting her soft warm face,
No longer the torment to keep her down,
Never again will the pain claim her heart.

She smiles down on the beauty of life,
She contemplates her freedom,
She sings along with the songbird's song,
Forever dancing to its rhythm.

Here is another Poem I wrote back in March:

Glass Doll

Loneliness fills my heart as your distant eyes brush my way,
An emptiness swims inside of me.
Your touch is cold and insincere,
Though you sit near, you've never been so far.
A tear falls down my cheek as I long for your warmth.
I am locked in a box and you hold the key,
I am a doll on display that never comes out to play.
Take me out and break me,
Bring me to life.
I long for you as I watch you leave,
I reach for you like a child to its gaurdian.
Once upon a time a strong budding love,
Is now wilting and weeps for revival.
You hold my heart in your hand,
As you walk from my sight.
My breath is fading,
My sight is lost.
Emptiness.
Loneliness
All is black.

This is just a way for me to express my feelings in those moments. I'm sorry that I wrote in a time when I should have been meditating and writing in my journal. I'm sorry that I took what I was feeling in a moment of passion and threw it all over you. I hope that in time you can forgive and forget. You are not expendable and I shouldn't have written what I did.
Please know that I love you all, and I don't want to burn bridges. I got some very good insight and advice from all of your comments and it helped me to put my feelings and my actions into perspective, and I wish now that I could take it back. All I can do is hope that you will forgive my harshness.